In Control


Mediation, c2011

I love feeling in control.  I feel safe and sometimes powerful, when I feel in control.  And even though I know control is an illusion, I still like feeling it.  I know that the balance between control and allowing is what I’m working through in my life and my artwork.

The underpaintings in Mediation, Breathe, and Open. Allow. Receive. Accept.  are my best representation of allowing.  But there is some pretty good allowing in Rooting and And, too. The grid that shows up in so many of my pieces is my firm attachment to control.

I have to tell you that there isn’t much that I’m controlling these days.  I am completely dependent on the generosity of my friends and family.  I’m pretty good at asking, but I even meet my asking quota, and I just can’t ask anymore.  Asking for everything is harder than it looks.

I’m also working on being happy despite my circumstances.  And if this isn’t the perfect testing grounds for that, I don’t know what is.  I have had  a couple of moments, where my frustration has gotten the better of me, but for the most part, I’ve been pretty happy to very happy these last couple of weeks.

I am learning that allowing is sometimes being ok with situations that don’t occur exactly how or when I want them to.  And allowing is having patience for things to take longer and trusting that my intentions will come to be.  And maybe allowing is also being open to new possibilities, when my focus has been diffused.

It seems that allowing can be guided–I can keep putting intentions out in a general direction–but certainly can’t be controlled.  So, I guess what I really want to learn is how to feel safe and powerful in this place.

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