It is has been a month since my incident–my mom has taught me there are no accidents–and since I live in a co-creative world, I’m on the same page, but probably for different reasons. In the last month, I have seen my will power dramatically diminish, have lost control over most aspects of my life, and found myself in a world where everything moves in slow motion.
In this place, I can see my old life, which I feel like I had just gotten the way I wanted, with one noticeable exception–my relationship with Chuck. I’ve worked hard to build it and I found myself uncomfortable in the space of switching gears–from creating happiness to just being content.
I can see my after-I-can-walk-again life from here, too. That is a lot fuzzier. Some days it looks a lot like my old life. Other days, it is a complete question mark as I am learning that sitting for any length of time hurts. It does feel that I am changing courses in some way or other that I really don’t understand right now.
What is getting me through the hardest days is gratitude. I have gratitude that my limited mobility is a temporary situation. My body is healing. And my body will continue to heal faster when I can get into a pool and a Pilates studio.
I have gratitude that my mom is able to put up with me when I get into my grousy, I can’t stand-being-in-this place mood. I’m pretty sure that I would go into far deeper depths of depression, if I were by myself most of the time. Even though it gets bad, it could be a whole lot worse.
I have gratitude that my relationship with my husband is mending. I see love, not resentment, in his eyes now. He is happier; we are happier. Funny how that works…
I have gratitude for the dozens of friends who have helped me during this last month. People have shown me great kindness, offered food and company, and helped me with lots of logistical issues for both health and business concerns. These friends have kept me and are keeping me afloat, and I am eternally grateful.
The cast is due to come off tomorrow and a boot goes on. Physically, I’m not sure what comes next. Spiritually, in this mandated time-out, it feels that I have to come to terms with control–learn how to allow for real.