It has been two full months since I broke my ankle. I usually like to blog when I’m in an up place, so after some seriously spiritual Malcolm in the Middle (Season 4, Episode 1, Minute 19, if you have Netflix), twice watching The Shift with Wayne Dyer, and a couple of telephone conversations with friends, I think I’m ready.
I am learning–the hard way, mind you–about letting go. I had to immediately let go of many expectations because of my temporary physical limitations. But there has been a lot more to it. I have also had to let go of my “I can do anything attitude.” I have no idea what I can and cannot do anymore. I’ve seen my fiery willpower slowly dissipate and be replaced by vulnerability.
I have had to let go of healthy food choices and many, many other ways that I liked to live. My will is bending to my surroundings.
It has also occurred to my husband and me is that it might not be that healthy to live so close to the edge, because it isn’t fun when you fall off. So, I’m letting go of some long-held beliefs and allowing some more traditional ones to seep in.
I’ve seen my normal good-naturedness disappear for days on end. I think I’m done going to that place and yet I still find myself climbing out that hole.
The biggest thing that I’ve had to let go is feeling that I can control my destiny. I can’t make anything happen. I am completely dependent on the generosity of others. The two things that I have resisted the most: 1) how slow my artwork is and 2) getting a job are the things that have/are showing up. What is the saying, “What you resist, persists?”
What seems to be helping the most are my little helpful projects. I have just completed the FASA postcard, a terrific project in my under-stimulating environment. Also, I’ve been helping my brother liquidate excess furniture and appliances that he acquired from his ex-wife. We have a garage sale planned for the end of August. In addition to these little projects, my time coaching the couple of clients that I have has been terribly beneficial.
A good dose of Malcolm in the Middle is helping. I’m already into season 4 and I’m still laughing out loud. That and some Wayne Dyer and Eckhart Tolle has gone a long way.
Physical therapy, which I started to resolve recurring symptoms related to my bulging discs, is helping. In just two weekly sessions (and doing the exercises everyday!) my symptoms are almost gone.
Conversations with my friends is helping a lot. I have a lot of friends. I appreciate the ones that visited me while I was still in San Antonio and the ones that take my calls. I know that it is hard to talk to someone who doesn’t have a lot going on. I’ve been on the other end of those conversations, too.
A book that arrived and I started reading today, The Little Book of Letting Go, by Hugh Prather, is helping.
At a recent pity party, someone close to me said, “Haven’t you ever been kicked in the teeth before?” I had to really think about that one. I couldn’t think of a single event that I would consider being kicked in the teeth. At this moment, I can see that my getting kicked in the teeth experience could be a whole lot worse.