Three Months

I can definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel.  My butt is scheduled to be shipped back to San Antonio on August 29.  The big screw that is holding my tibia and fibula together is coming out August 31.  From there the information gets a little fuzzy.  I think after two week the sutures come out and I get to start putting weight on my left ankle again.  But not sure how long that process will take.

I can tell that my ankle has gotten incredibly stronger.  My foot looks like my foot again.  While my calf is smaller than it used to be, it isn’t the anemic, flacid appendage it was after being cooped up into a cast for a month.  I’ve been doing physical therapy to give myself more range of motion in my joint as well as strengthen the muscles in my foot, leg, and hip to prepare for walking.

So, that is the physical well-being report.  The harder part to manage this month has been my emotional well-being.  There is a whole list of things that I have learned that I need to do each day in order to provide a foundation for my happiness, which include things like taking my meds (to control my blood sugar), bathing, and even brushing my teeth.

Exercise and eating well are the two biggies that I haven’t done for the last three months.  That has definitely taken a toll on my emotional well-being.  The last time my depression hit, it was like a wave of water crashing over me and sinking my bobber–that part of me that naturally floats on top of the water–but gets pulled under from time to time.  I could feel it coming like the sudden need to throw up and being powerless to stop it.  It was so physical, but yet it affects my self-worth, my outlook about everything, and my ability to do a good job with my self-care.

The good news is that in a week I’ll be with my husband who is the best at keeping my bobber afloat.  And thanks to a dear friend who has offered me her apartment, I’ll be able to actually sleep in the same bed as my husband again.  As shaky as our relationship was at the beginning of this journey, it has been the only solid thing I have had to grasp on to during the worst parts of this ordeal.  For him and his everlasting patience, I am very grateful.

I wish I had more certainty about my life than my relationship, but I don’t.  I feel that change is impending, but have no idea of what form or direction it will take.  Unknowness is still my nemesis, but it has all gotten so confusing that I have stopped trying to figure it all out.  The two things that I crave more than anything else is peace and clarity.  I visualize this taking place in a home that is all white, at least to start.  Clean, minimal, easy, uncluttered, healing–and then adding pops of color when I’m ready–a clean slate and a fresh start.



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